I lay near the front door, one foot wedged up between the doorknob and the wall beside it and my eyes trained on the blurry smudge on the ceiling.
The smudge itself wasn’t blurred of course, that was my eyesight and as I studied it, I began to slowly turn my head.
Pain cut through behind my eyes.
Bad plan, I thought and left my head exactly where it was, my view a panorama between the slightly dirty foot of the stairs and my own foot wedged against the front door. I noticed a footprint halfway up the panelling just under the letterbox and in the middle of the muddy heel-print I could clearly make out the word “Nike”.
Same shoes as I wear, I thought and considered trying to move my head again; and this is when I saw movement just on the edge of my field of vision. I turned my head slightly and the pain slid through my skull, I cried out without being able to stop myself and the thing on the edge of my vision stopped a moment before suddenly scampering toward me.
Her huge brown eyes stared into mine, her face close enough that her black nose pressed against my cheek, a cool circle of moisture that suddenly made me aware of how warm I felt. She seemed to frown in concern and then her tongue flicked out and lapped at my cheek.
The heat of the small hallway wasn’t the only thing I became aware of, suddenly I realised that I was afraid, that I had no idea what had happened, and I couldn’t remember what time of day it was or even where I was.
I assumed I was in my own home; I must be else why would she be here? I thought, but from the angle I was seeing the room at I could have been anywhere, nothing looked familiar.
She licked my cheek again and I lifted one trembling hand and resting it on the back of her neck. She sat down with a thump; she was never a dainty lady despite her small size and tilted her head to the side. One ear flopped comically, and I had to smile even as I began to feel tears roll down my cheek.
I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her in closer, with her grey fur pressed to my cheek I could hear the thump of her heart, tiny in size but huge in every other way.
I lay like this for a long time, and you’d be forgiven for thinking that it was the memory of the pain stopping me from moving, and you wouldn’t be entirely wrong; but it was also the love I felt from my small silent companion that kept me there.
Some things you never want to end, regardless of how much pain or fear your find yourself in, some things are bigger than that.
The world swam around me as the rhythm of her tiny heart accompanied my consciousness on its journey. At some point I heard a door being opened and a cry of alarm. Voices followed that seemed to be filled with concern over some far-off incident and I heard frantic commands being shouted.
The world swam.
I saw strange faces as cold metal was pressed to the flesh of my chest, which was suddenly and inexplicably bare. The ceiling above me was now curved and machines lined the walls. Circles of plastic were pasted to my torso and cold hands re-positioned my shaking limbs.
At first, they wouldn’t let her into the ambulance with me, I was later told, but we both fought and there was disagreement on who growled louder; her or me. Eventually they allowed her to lie next to me on the stretcher as they tended to my cuts and measured my heartbeat; there are still some people in the world that understand loyalty, it seems.
That night she slept in my room, and we were inseparable until the day she was diagnosed with cancer.
I sat in silence as they all talked around me, I really had no say. She was never mine; she had been my grandfathers and had been passed on to my grandmother when he had died. My little saviour wasn’t mine and I never thought she was, she on the other hand always had different ideas concerning ownership.
When she was carried through the living room, still so vibrant despite the cancer growing inside her, I knew wanted to go with her. I knew I should be holding her in my arms, and it should be my face her little brown eyes should be looking at in her final moments. I argued but all too easily I gave in, there’s a cold lump in my chest as I write this. When I think about this it isn’t unusual that I begin to cry; feeling more of a fool for each tear that falls.
She stayed with me you see.
She watched over me when I needed her, and I failed her when she needed me the most.
Of all my wrongdoings this is the one that haunts me.
Of all my failures this is the worst.
You see; some people understand loyalty.
Some people?
And it seems that others don’t.
I think I’ll stop writing now; I think I’ve just about said enough.